I’ve had to make a few trips this past week or so and it made me realize that most, if not all, drivers, need a refresher course. I have seen bad drivers, lazy drivers and drivers with no acknowledge of what’s legal and what isn’t, but I tell you people, we are in an age of just plain damn dumb, don’t give a shit drivers.
So after almost 50 years of driving and a rather large number of court mandated defensive driving classes, I feel capable of providing some excellent driving tips. So in order to aid the general public, I have put together a list of Slightly driving tips. NOTE: These are just tips and I am in no way responsible for bad driving or your part.
Tip 1 (the most important): Your vehicle is not a play toy. Don’t drive like it is. It is a 2,000 plus pound vehicle capable of causing mass destruction.
Tip 2: Don’t piss off the driver in front of you because as I stated, he’s in front of you. If I’m driving the posted speed or over, don’t fly up behind me (or anyone), hit your brakes and then proceed to ride my bumper or worse, flash your lights for me to move or go faster. If I was going to drive faster, I would have been driving faster when you reached me. Sitting on my bumper or flashing your headlights at me will more than likely result in you going even slower than the posted speed. This is extremely true at night. If you wanna turn on your brights and blind me in all my mirrors, I will likely feel the need to drive about 10-15 miles under the posted speed just to be cautious.
Tip 3: If you are 10 mph or more under the posted speed, MOVE. Pull off the road and let people by before you cause a huge backup of irate drivers. If you are 10 mph or more under the posted speed you are not a cautious driver, you a a hazard on the road. If you are uncomfortable driving 60 in a 60 mph area, take a different route, don’t piss everyone off by driving along at 45.
Tip 4: Take your foot off the damn brake. If you are not stopping, quit putting your foot on the brake every 30 seconds. If you’re slowing down, don’t start braking a mile before you get there. If you are so close to the car in front of you that you have to ride the brake, see tip #2 and back the hell up.
Tip 5: Merge lanes in construction areas. Don’t be that asshole that flies past everyone or purposely gets in the merge lane to get further ahead. Most drivers are like Slightly, if you pull that bullshit you will hit every cone on the road before I let you pull in front of me because you saw the same sign I did a mile ago.
Tip 6: Enough with slamming on brakes and/or slowing down to 5 miles an hour every time you see an officer on the side of the road. Stop being a gawker and mind your business before people are gawking at you. Unless you see a relatives car involved in that accident or a severed head laying in the road, drive on and mind your own damn business. Just remember, every traffic jamb starts with one asshole, don’t be that asshole.
Tip 7: Blinkers. Shut up. I know some smart ass reading this has a comment but let’s be honest. There is a reason they came on the car, free of charge. There is a reason the replacement bulbs only costs a few dollars. Unless it’s against some crazy religion of yours – USE THE FREAKING BLINKER. Well, unless you’re not turning or changing lanes. In that case, turn it off. Unless you’re deaf the radio is too loud if you can’t hear that annoying blinky noise as you drive along oblivious that you are pissing off everyone behind that doesn’t know if they should be prepared to stop or not.
Tip 8: Here are some quickies that should be self explanatory but apparently they aren’t: If you see reverse lights and walk behind a car. You are the idiot, not the guy driving. The on ramp is to allow you to get up to speed so you can merge with cars driving 70. Speed up, and stop causing problems. If you drive under the speed limit stop flipping off people who pass you. Again, you are the problem.
Tip 9: These come right after tip number 1. Pay attention when you are driving. Red lights mean stop, stop signs don’t mean slow down and roll through and PLEASE GET OFF YOUR PHONES. YOU DON’T NEED TO CHECK FACEBOOK OR EMAILS WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING.
Tip 10: My final tip is for parents. Monitor your kids driving. If you know they are in the car at certain times, ask to see the cell phone when they get home. Were there calls or texts made while you know they were driving? If so how about some discipline and restrict their future driving for a while.
I hope this helps some of you nut jobs currently on the road. I know you’re out there, I encounter you on a daily basis. If you know an idiot driver, feel free to share these tips.
Peace out fellow fed up drivers. Signed Slightly. (firstname.lastname@example.org)