Penis Shrinkage – Yes You Read It Here First

With all the insane things about Covid going on I’m been at a loss to think up new ideas for my blog. I used to base it on the stupidity that I encountered daily, but that became so common it lacked being notable. However new things come to light if you look around.

A follower of my blog recently sent me to a link that talked about the risk of prolonged use of face masks. I read the usual causes acne, causes bad breath, causes anxiety, etc. Well men, you are gonna have a lot more anxiety when this becomes front page news. However, my bet is Administrator Biden will never let this get to the mass media.

Wearing a face mask will make your dick shrink. Yeah, you read that right. What guy do you know walking around saying yeah, my disco stick is too long, I hope it shrinks? If you’re one, grab a mask and keep it on. I know you’re reading this going no way, but do your research. Ever heard of phthalate? The microns in it cause all kinds of problems including, penis shrinkage.

No way you’ll see Slightly sporting one after today. When asked to wear one men, just say “sorry, got a medical condition”. If asked to clarify look them straight in the eye and say “it will shrink my bologna pony”. That should stop the questions right then.

If you’re one of those less than average endowded men, give this some heavy thought. Would your spouse find this situation ok? I truly doubt it unless your previous career was a porn star with a huge pecker. But then again, that may be why she married you so have the conversation and make sure.

If you’re not believing me check this. I got it directly from the manufacturers website.

Phthalate exposures in humans has been linked to changes in sex hormone levels, altered development of genitals, and low sperm count and quality.

Another side affect is lowering masculine qualities in young boys and people, believe me when I say, we do not need young men or even grown ass men being less masculine than the ones we’re raising in this latest generation.

Peace out fellow Americans and keep those anacondas swinging. Signed Slightly

Signedslightly@gmail.com

Face Masks And The Economy

With all the new regulations in place and those coming in with creepy Biden next month, I got to wondering how some industries must really be hard pressed to make it work.

Bars and restaurants were closed for months. Then they could open with limited seating. Now they are open with social distancing programs in place. This has to have made it difficult to stay in business. But you gotta wonder how some reopened.

What about strip clubs? It’s damn hard to social distance for a $50 lap dance and that woman on a pole ain’t getting too many tips in her panties if she stays 6 feet away. I’m supposed to believe I’ll get Covid at a club but only after 10pm or I’ll get Covid but only from people that come within 5 feet of me but stick a beaver in my face and all is well with the world. Forget hand santizier, find out what they are washing those beavers with to make them safe. Has anyone really tested Covid to see if it can pass from a hoo ha in your face vs. someone breathing on you? Did someone volunteer for the test cause I I know people who’d get in line. Obviously not me.

Wonder if I could invent beaver masks and make money? Cover your snatch with some flimsy hot mask and the dance continues. I’m already thinking of what I can call them. Vaginal veils, beaver badges, cootchie covers, the list goes on.

Peace out fellow inventors. If you don’t hear from me soon, I’ll be in development. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

What’s The Fascination With Feces?

Yes you read that right. What’s the human fascination with shit? It seems they always come up with weird ideas, but one I read about recently is a prime example of how stupid people can be. Because something cost a fortune it must be exotic.

In the animal kingdom poop is just an everyday thing to deal with but you run across some strange examples. Like hippos and penguins. They toss their shit at possible mates to attract them. Makes me damn glad I’m not a penguin but hey whatever works to hook up a booty call. FYI – Hookers charge extra to let you do this.

It’s what people do with animal poop I find interesting. Since elephant poop is so much fiber, Thailand is using it to make paper. I’d write my alimony checks on it for sure.

During WW2 soldiers made explosives out of bat shit. Hmmm might explain the phrase bat shit crazy. I was shocked to find there is even a Poop Museum in the UK. People can get a close up encounter with 30 different kinds of crap. How entertaining is that?

But here is where I decided people are just plain stupid. Ever googled the most expensive coffee in the world? Well don’t. It’s called Kopi and it’s made from coffee beans that are shit out by a civet. Looks kind of like a small, creepy cat. Who in their right mind would run across some crap covered beans in a forest and say hey, I bet that makes great coffee? Whoever did was genius as it now sells for $100 per pound.

There will always be people with more money than brains. First you invent “coffee colonics” that recharge your system. In plain English it’s shoving an enema of coffee up your ass for about $100 or so. If you’re cheap they even sell home coffee enema kits on Amazon. I find it difficult to believe even those willing to shove coffee up their buttholes are the ones dumb enough to drink coffee you have to pick out of animal feces but then what do I know. It’s just one more reason I wonder why God hasn’t wiped us from the planet again.

Peace out fellow caffeine lovers. I’ll stick to having mine in a cup rather than up my ass and I’ll be skipping the extra bit of animal feces. Signed Slightly

Need advice or want my opinion on something – hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com

PS – for you thinking of trying poop coffee, please note, those animals are kept in small, dirty, little cages and abused for no other reason than to profit off their crap. I would recommend just grabbing some Chock Full of Nuts and enjoy a cup of regular coffee. Hmmm, now I’m wondering who’s nuts that one might be made of.

The Stupidity of Human Beings Boggles My Mind

During a recent family visit, we got on a topic that nearly made me give up on our newest generation of adults. Well, that was until I realized there are even dumber people out there. You know those ones you meet, they open their mouths and your first thought is WTF is wrong with you?

I was reading something on google and it lead to an article about young women soaking tampons in vodka then shoving them up their hoo ha. First my brain tried to fathom what kind of dumbass would do this, then it just gave at the sheer stupidity of it all. Apparently the result is getting drunk with having alcohol on your breath. How damn bad do you wanna get drunk?

Being a life long Jack drinker (for the pleasure of the taste not a need to get drunk) I don’t have a lot of experience with vodka, but then I don’t have a lot of experience with shoving alcohol anywhere but my mouth so I had to know what complete fool would do this. Apparently you can get extremely drunk by soaking a tampon in vodka and shoving it up your twat because of the thinness of the skin in that area. I can’t even begin to think of the pain involved with this whole idea.

I started thinking this is even dumber than doing those nutty coffee colon cleanses. In case you don’t know, it’s an enema using coffee. Supposed to recharge you. I will say I can’t comment as I love coffee but I find drinking it much better tasting than shoving a tube of it up my ass and watching shit filled coffee come back out.

Well you know how my mind works so next thing I know I’m thinking hell how about a color cleanse with bourbon? Seems like that would recharge you but that would take any even bigger idiot that the one that shoved vodka up with crotch and a huge waste of bourbon.

Little did I know this is actually a thing. It’s called “butt chugging” and yes, it involves squirting liquor up your asshole. Why you ask? Well who the hell knows. Who’s the first person that went to pour themselves an after dinner drink and thought heck maybe I’ll squirt this up my poop hole instead? Well it damn sure wasn’t Einstein cause that is some stupid shit, no pun intended.

After going down that rabbit hole and learning more about butt chugging than I ever wanted to know, I decided there are just some damn ignorant people in this world and unfortunately it’s legal for them to breed. If you decide to try any of these ideas please know I do not endorse them mainly because it requires an IQ of 34 or less to even consider it.

Hell, I may have actually figured out why these morons eat Tide pods. Cleans all that shit out of them.

Peace out fellow chuggers. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

VIAGRA VERSUS NIAGARA

I’ve been on sabbatical for a bit and had time to think of new things that have been rambling around in my head. It amazes me the things that seem to just float around in there.

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the fix all drug for men called Viagra. Apparently if you can get a hard on it will cure most things wrong with you. My favorite part is the note that I should call a doctor if my erection lasts four hours or more. My initial thought was hell yeah a 4 hour erection, I’m not calling the doctor. But that started me thinking, are women as excited about a 4 hour erection? Is there a similar drug for women?

Well, turns out there is not, so I may have to research suggesting one to a drug manufacturer. If you have a 4 hour erection wouldn’t you want a wife or girlfriend to be as excited as you are about that? If so, why hasn’t any drug company thought about lubricant for women to enjoy their man’s 4 hour erection?

My solution, Niagara for women. Makes your hooo-ha happy, moist and flowing like the famous Niagara falls. Imagine how happy your man will be when you pop that pill and let him know you’re ready for a 4 hour bang fest.

Why hasn’t this been invented? If this was on the market I can’t believe women wouldn’t be as thrill about that 4 hour hard on as their man is. Mention 4 hours of hot, dripping, lubed up banging and every women I know would be popping that Niagara while stuffing that little blue pill down your throat.

Call your drug manufacturers and ask where is the Niagara is for your woman. You know she’s gonna love it.

Peace out fellow bang fest lovers. Signed Slighty

Have a blog idea or want my opinion on an issue, email me at signedslightly@gmail.com.

DOES THIS CUSTOM PROMOTE MURDER?

I was recently reminded of what I consider a very strange policy at college campuses across the US. When I think about, it I almost want to make sure my child never lives on campus.

Here’s how this works. If you are in college and share a dorm room/frat house and your roommate commits suicide, you automatically pass that year. Regardless if you had a 4.0 GPA or currently failing every class, you now pass with flying colors. That’s just screwed up all around.

While I can say from personal experience that dealing with suicide is traumatic, how did it factor in that someone should automatically pass all classes because someone else died? Maybe it’s just my warped mind but isn’t that like rewarding you for someone else’s death?

I am sure not everyone’s mind will go the route mine did, after all you’ve seen the title of my blog, but I have serious issues with this ideal as a whole. Aren’t you tempting people to commit murder? Can you tell me honestly that I’m the only one that somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m thinking hmmmm, rather than tell my parents I crapped out of college if my roommate died and it looked like suicide I’d get a free pass. I kid you not this is murder in the making.

Peace out fellow thinkers. Signed Slightly

Need advice, have something you want to know my thoughts on? Hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com

In My Head Today

I started keeping a note pad with me so I can write down random thoughts that pop into my head. Today is only Tuesday and so far I have a few. Ever wonder why such weird things just suddenly pop into your brain? I have and my therapist thinks they aren’t always healthy but what does she know. So I’ll share this weeks random thoughts so far. I can’t say they pertain to anything I’ve seen or heard, they are just there.

Ever look at trees and think one might be growing your own coffin right now?

Watching a movie I wondered about airport security? It’s everywhere, always watching then at baggage claim you can just take whatever bag you want.

I was looking in the mirror yesterday morning and it dawned on me, the only part of your reflection you can lick is your tongue.

Ever realize when you buy a half a chicken at the deli that you’re sharing a chicken with a stranger?

Dawned on me this weekend looking at my fit bit, it’s not much different than the virtual pets of the 80’s except the thing I’m trying to keep alive is me.

Weirdest so far this week was when I was looking at my golf clubs. Ever stop and realize that the object of a golf game is to play the least amount of golf possible?

Peace out fellow thinkers. Signed Slightly.

WEIRD SIGNS

My posts aren’t always funny or informative. Most times they are just thoughts that enter and then ramble around in my head. Sometimes for days. This time it happens to be weird road signs. Ever wonder if some of them were meant for someone other than the actual drivers passing them?

Like this one “wildlife crossing next 2 miles? Do they really know where the deer or moose cross the road and are warning me? I find it difficult to believe they know exactly where they cross, so I have to assume they are advising the wildlife to use the next 2 miles to cross. I hope they can read.

How about “watch for falling rocks”. Am I supposed to stop and watch for falling rocks kind of like a roadside attraction? Otherwise what’s the game plan? Most of these signs are on 70+ MPH highways so if I see a rock and it’s falling on or in front of me, I don’t have a lot of options. Maybe they just want me to be aware I might be killed driving on that road.

“Bus Stop Ahead.” This one always gets me. If you factor in a bus likely stops there twice a day, 1 to 2 minutes each time and there are 60 minutes in a hour, 24 hours in a day with cars going by, does it seem likely more than 1% of cars passing that sign encounter a bus? I assume this is a warning for the bus driver to plan to stop ahead so they don’t forget a stop.

The most informative one I’ve seen to date was going thru Kentucky. “Caution, Run Away Trucks”. Now no matter how you read that, you damn sure better make sure you’re aware of something like that. No kidding – I drive thru there looking for them the whole time.

The funniest I’ve seen to date is “Jail Ahead, Do Not Pickup Hitchhikers”. While that sign cracks me up every time, it makes me wonder, who picks up a guy wearing jail scrubs or uniforms anyway? Why would you have to even warn people of that? But damn if your car breaks down there I guess you gonna be walking.

The most alarming one to date was in South Carolina. Signs along the interstate say “Speeding – Fine and Prison”. Not local jail mind you, prison!! Who the hell goes to prison for speeding? Can you imagine when Bubba slides up next to you and says what you in for? You’re definitely getting your ass kicked.

As to date the winner of the weirdest I’ve ever seen. Visited Belize once and I still don’t know if it was a joke or not, but on a back road, I ran across a sign that said “Tanks Crossing – Sudden Gunfire”. That I paid attention to but fortunately didn’t run into any tanks.

I am sure there are a lot more out there I haven’t seen so let me know if you have any really good ones or even ones that just make you ask WTH?

Peace out fellow travelers. Signed Slightly

Feel free to send me ideas, questions, whatever makes you think to signedslightly@gmail.com

WTH Happened To Manners

After a week of encountering way too many people with little to no manners, I thought I might do some digging on some forgotten manners. When I was a kid, manners were very important. Especially if you didn’t want your ass beat. Not only has that changed but I think most have frankly, been forgotten. Do parents even teach kids manners anymore? Do they insist they act like human beings or have they just taken to raising spoiled little brats because it’s simply easier than making them behave? Hell I heard last week about 11 year olds on probation. What the hell do you do at 11 to be on probation and did your parents kick your ass for it? If my kid was on probation at 11 he’d never leave the house again till he hit 18 and ready for a tour in the Army.

But I digress. My post was about manners. Although, if we still taught them maybe we’d have a lot less jackasses on probation. I tried to list some manners I rarely see used anymore.

Shake hands. Why don’t 20 somethings know to shake hands when introduced? And they really forget the old adage of never offer your hand to a woman. You shake if she offers her hand first. I guess I don’t miss this one much with Covid though.

Remember when people would step outside if they had to take a phone call? Now they not only just blab away but most love that speaker phone so we now get to listen to both sides of usually stupid conversations. If that wasn’t bad enough, what happened to no phones during dinner? Does anyone even eat dinner together any more?

How about those really simple ones like saying excuse me. How about knocking before you enter a room (if you ever walked in on your parents having sex, you will do that one the rest of your life). Take your shopping carts back to the front of the store, use a turn signal or how about that old one, please and thank you. I can’t remember the last time someone said you’re welcome. Even drive thrus are have a nice day, no please, no thank you.

One of my personal pet peeves is being late. It is the prime example of bad manners. If you are supposed to meet me at a certain time, be on time. My grandfather always told us being late suggests that your time is more valuable than the person you left standing there waiting on you. Well guess what, it isn’t.

The one thing Slightly can not stand, period. Smart mouth little kids. Nothing crawls up my backbone sideways more than hearing a little kid smart off to parents and they just stand there. That damn you tube video everyone thinks is uber funny where the little kid keeps saying to his mom “look Linda, listen Linda” makes me wanna beat that kids ass. I heard a neighbor kid this week tell his mom shut up I’ll come in when I’m ready. Thank goodness for him I am not his parent cause it’d be damn hard to walk back inside with two broken legs. I heard another yell at his mom to shut the hell up. Slightly’s kids are 40 and they would tell you even now, that would get you ass beat so bad you’ll need a parents note to stand during class for a week. They were raised to say yes ma’me, no sir, please thank you and never even considered smart mouthing off to an adult.

One reader told me she taught her kids that yes you will answer to God for bad behavior, however God will get you later but I’ll beat your ass now. Maybe more parents need to teach that message. This crap about we don’t spank our kids is total bullshit. You’re kids figured it out by the time they were 2. Manners say a lot about how we raise our kids but then again, they were too smart to eat tide pods when I was a kid.

Peace out fellow parents. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

Auto Correct – WTF Did I Just Say?

I can’t be the only one that has insane things that I swear, my phone sends all by itself. You know what I’m talking about – the dreaded auto correct. I sent a text last night that said I was going to try to meditate before I go to bed and see if I sleep better. However my phone sent a text which read, I’m going to masturbate before I go to bed. Needless to say I got a text back from my child saying “why the hell would I want to know that?”. In an effort to correct it, I tried again saying no I said meditate. Of course my phone again decided on it’s own to change it to, no I said I was going to try menstruating. I am not sure but that was likely even more weird than I was going to masturbate. This got me to thinking so I reached out to some people and asked about weird messages and could I have some of their best examples. Not only did I get some hilarious ones, but I found out apparently everyone hates auto correct.

By the way. After talking to a friend that works for Google, I found it’s not actually auto correct. It’s called a predictive dialer system. It hears a word that it’s unsure of so it picks a more common word that sounds similar. Based on some of the replies I got from friends, I gotta wonder, who the hell programmed this predictive dialers vocabulary?

Here are some of best I heard:

A friend texted her brother about their dad’s birthday and suggested something for cooking which was apparently his newest hobby. However her text replaced cooking and she suggested her brother purchase their dad a cock ring. So how the hell is cock ring more common than cooking? Does anyone really use that in everyday conversations?

A friend texted his wife and didn’t realize he dialed wrong. He sent “text me when you get home and get the baby settled”. Imagine his surprise when the response was “I thought you had the baby”. Thankfully he didn’t have a stroke.

Another friend texted a Craigslist add and said “I saw you are selling your penis, can I take it for a test drive”. She never noticed the spelling till they responded “well I’m selling my prius but if you wanna ride me, I’m game”.

Another friend texted his friend and said “we need to do something about your ball sack it really stinks”. What he meant to type was basement but I’m not sure his friend ever believed him.

Then there is always that misspelled name that will leave you dumped or divorced. A co-worker messaged his girlfriend hey Baby but his phone changed it to Hey Abbey. Needless to say his girlfriends name isn’t Abbey. Wonder how he got past that one?

Got some good ones? Email me at signedslightly@gmail.com

Peace out fellow bad typers. Signed Slightly

PS – Found this on google rather than a friend but it was too funny not to include.