Snappy Comebacks and Perfect Responses

I won’t lie, Slightly has a bit of a reputation of always having a smart ass come back or the perfect response to stupid remarks. A reader a while back gave me the phrase “that sounds like a you problem” and I not only love it but try to use it daily. Today though, I think I outdid even myself. What worries me many times, I never even have to think about these things. I just open my mouth and there there are in all their brilliance.

I preface this with Slightly, NEVER runs stop signs. It is honestly one of the dumbest things I’ve seen people do. That being said, there is an intersection near my house that has a huge tree blocking your view if you’re heading south. I always pull up far enough to see past the tree so I am not worried about hitting someone heading east. This morning I pulled up, stopped and waiting for a motorcycle flying eastbound. Instead of passing me, he stopped directly in front of my car screaming about the “fucking white line”. We aren’t talking in passing, this was a full 2 minute tirade about being over the white line and contained some rather colorful language.

Since Slightly was already having an interesting morning, I sat there with my window down and let him wail on till he felt better. He obviously needed to get some rage out of his day. Once he was finished I politely said thanks and have a good day. This is quite uncommon for me but like I said the morning already had enough drama. However once I said have a good day, it set this loon off again and says WTF, that’s all you have to say.

So, I added, “well I was going to say screw your mom and whatever circus clown she was banging when you were conceived but I was tying to be nice”. I think that pushed him over the edge because as I drove away all I heard were yells of F you, F this, etc. The moral of this story, it doesn’t pay to be polite but I tried.

Peace out fellow drivers and no rolling stops, Slightly hates those.

Signed Slightly – signedslightly@gmail.com

Dangers of Other People’s Bathrooms

Did you know, bidets are common place in almost every country except the US? They seem to be standard in nearly every house and even public bathrooms around the world. In fact, in many countries like the Philippines, you won’t find toilets, just bidets you squat over. Nice huh? Hope you got good knees.

If you follow my blog, you know Slightly added a bidet long before Covid and the great toilet paper shortage of 2020 and I love it. And honestly I really do love it. You’ve heard of people that are bladder shy and can’t pee if someone is nearby or could hear them. Well, Slightly has become butt shy. The thought of dropping a swamp pie anywhere but home, where my bidet keeps my ass squeaky clean, almost horrifies me. But alas, sometimes it can’t be helped, which brings me to the point of my blog.

With everyone Covid crazy, you need to double check what people keep in their bathrooms. Yesterday I was forced to squeeze a chocolate dwarf away from home and didn’t pay as much attention as I should have. While they didn’t have a bidet, at least they provided those cushy, slightly scented flushables we all know and love. Or at least I thought so. I wiped, cleaned, washed my hands and bid goodbye to head home. As I was driving I noticed the beginnings of a slight burning from my arse and wondered WTH.

By the time I arrived home, I was in serious danger of scratching a second hole in my butt from the burning and itching. In and effort to figure out what happened without adding in a trip to the ER, I called the friend. Damned if I didn’t wipe myself with a colorox bleach wipe. WTF people? Make sure to leave the label pointing out on things. I may need emergency ass surgery all because of no bidet. You can’t even shower that shit off, no pun intended.

Butt (lol), being the friend that I am, I have ordered their household a very nice bidet and had it shipped directly to them as a way to say thank you for reminding me to read the fricking label before I wipe my ass anywhere but home. By the way Colorox, why are those damn things packaged just like ass wipes?

Pease out fellow ass wipers and beware when popping a solid away from home.

Signed Slightly – feel free to hit me up with questions or ideas at signedslightly@gmail.com

Personal Catch Phrase

Ever met or heard of some people, usually famous, that have a catch phrase or are well known for using a particular phrase all the time?

A reader sent me in a blog idea and I think I like it enough that it could likely become my personal catch phrase. Some days things are so screwed up I’m kind of known for my standard response of “screw my life”. But I took this readers idea and I found a new way to start my day, boost myself up with confidence or just remind myself I’m alive.

Each day when I get up I’m going to tell myself this. As I walk out my front door with coffee in hand, I’m going to tell myself this. When I walk into work and sit down in front of this keyboard, I’m going to boost myself by repeating it again.

We all repeat to ourselves, “it can’t get any worse”, or “today will be a better day”. Those are just something we say but I am going to live my new phrase. Each day as I walk out the door I’m going to proclaim – I’M GOING TO KICK TODAY IN THE DICK”.

Thanks to my unnamed blog reader, you have made Slightly smile for the day and quite a few others more than likely.

Peace out Mr. MH and wherever you are, and kick today in the dick.

Signed Slightly – signedslightly@gmail.com

Telemarketers – Uggg

Ok I know everyone needs a job and they are just doing theirs but really, have you ever bought something from people over the phone? Has anyone ever answered and said thank God you called, I have been meaning to get an extended warranty? Slightly isn’t what you’d call young and in all my years, I have never even thought of buying something because someone called me.

I think the biggest one recently is an extended warranty for your car. I’ve had 4 just this week. What I really want to know and have held and asked is, how do know when my warranty ran out? Have you using my personal info or rummaging thru my trash? They have no clue and just say you were on the list. After so many in one week, I started researching how many dumb or crazy ways I can answer the phone. I thought I’d share some so you can have a little fun also. Heck twice now I’ve even held on a robo call so I could use one on a person. So here goes some fun ones cause you know. telemarketers need a laugh also.

Sperm bank, you slap it and we’ll pack it.

Joe’s Bar – how many in your party

County hospital – you kill we, we chill it. You stab it we slab it.

Wait for the person to come on then just say hi, is Dave there?

Wait for a person then say hi, I’d like 2 large pizza extra cheese, sausage, etc.

Seminole County Sheriff, fraud department may I help you?

WRBK radio, you’re live on the air

I did get a call selling car insurance and had a hoot. Told them my name was John Alexander (it’s not) and gave them some false car info. When they transferred me to the other department to get a quote, I hung up. Next day they called asking for John Alexander and I quietly said with a sniffle sorry he died suddenly yesterday.

These are 2 I made up myself and have been using all week. You just have to wait for a live caller.

Natalie’s Escort Service – if you lick it we let you stick it

My all time favorite, answer the phone and scream really loud. Be very quiet for about 20 seconds then whisper quietly please help me, he’s coming back. Or if people are near by skip the scream and once you have a person just say it.

Peace out fellow frustrated phone owners and have some fun with those spam calls. Signed Slightly

Send me your questions or ideas at signedslightly@gmail.com

Covid Vaccines – What A Joke

So the masses line up and want a covid vaccine. Are you insane? Are you buying all the hype?

First they said the vaccine would stop you from getting covid. Well then vaccinated people got covid virus so they decided ok, you’ll get covid but you won’t get sick. That makes perfect sense that now sick people are walking around spreading covid not knowing they are sick. That sense if you’re a government worker.

Well now that we have vaccinated people getting sick with covid, the new theory is ok you’ll still get covid and you’ll still get sick, but you likely won’t die. Well since 99% of people that get covid don’t die anyway, I gotta ask WTF?

Basically, we’ve been lead like sheep by the balls and believe all the nonsense surrounding this. Bottom line is the drug companies have milked hundreds of thousands of dollars out of the taxpayers to pay for the “free” vaccines. You won’t see Slightly in line for one that is for damn sure. However I have realized a way to resolve all the people that ask did you get vaccinated. I’m going to tell them I identify as a vaccinated person.

Yeap that’s right. If that guy walking around identifies as a woman, a gender neutrals, or believe it or not the new “super straight” then I by God can identify as a vaccinated person and I will.

By the way let’s talk about this gender straight shit. WTH is that you might ask? Well I had to ask also and I’m kinda sorry I did. Apparently you have to seriously clarify your sexual preference. If you’re super straight it means you identify as the sex you were born and you only date the people that identify as the same sex they were born.

I can make it even easier for all of you out there wanting to hook up with Slightly, and you know there are a lot of you. If you were born with a dick, Slightly will not be dating you even if you no longer have one.

Peace out fellow gender conscious peeps. Signed Slightly

signed slightly@gmail.com

Penis Shrinkage – Yes You Read It Here First

With all the insane things about Covid going on I’m been at a loss to think up new ideas for my blog. I used to base it on the stupidity that I encountered daily, but that became so common it lacked being notable. However new things come to light if you look around.

A follower of my blog recently sent me to a link that talked about the risk of prolonged use of face masks. I read the usual causes acne, causes bad breath, causes anxiety, etc. Well men, you are gonna have a lot more anxiety when this becomes front page news. However, my bet is Administrator Biden will never let this get to the mass media.

Wearing a face mask will make your dick shrink. Yeah, you read that right. What guy do you know walking around saying yeah, my disco stick is too long, I hope it shrinks? If you’re one, grab a mask and keep it on. I know you’re reading this going no way, but do your research. Ever heard of phthalate? The microns in it cause all kinds of problems including, penis shrinkage.

No way you’ll see Slightly sporting one after today. When asked to wear one men, just say “sorry, got a medical condition”. If asked to clarify look them straight in the eye and say “it will shrink my bologna pony”. That should stop the questions right then.

If you’re one of those less than average endowded men, give this some heavy thought. Would your spouse find this situation ok? I truly doubt it unless your previous career was a porn star with a huge pecker. But then again, that may be why she married you so have the conversation and make sure.

If you’re not believing me check this. I got it directly from the manufacturers website.

Phthalate exposures in humans has been linked to changes in sex hormone levels, altered development of genitals, and low sperm count and quality.

Another side affect is lowering masculine qualities in young boys and people, believe me when I say, we do not need young men or even grown ass men being less masculine than the ones we’re raising in this latest generation.

Peace out fellow Americans and keep those anacondas swinging. Signed Slightly

Signedslightly@gmail.com

Face Masks And The Economy

With all the new regulations in place and those coming in with creepy Biden next month, I got to wondering how some industries must really be hard pressed to make it work.

Bars and restaurants were closed for months. Then they could open with limited seating. Now they are open with social distancing programs in place. This has to have made it difficult to stay in business. But you gotta wonder how some reopened.

What about strip clubs? It’s damn hard to social distance for a $50 lap dance and that woman on a pole ain’t getting too many tips in her panties if she stays 6 feet away. I’m supposed to believe I’ll get Covid at a club but only after 10pm or I’ll get Covid but only from people that come within 5 feet of me but stick a beaver in my face and all is well with the world. Forget hand santizier, find out what they are washing those beavers with to make them safe. Has anyone really tested Covid to see if it can pass from a hoo ha in your face vs. someone breathing on you? Did someone volunteer for the test cause I I know people who’d get in line. Obviously not me.

Wonder if I could invent beaver masks and make money? Cover your snatch with some flimsy hot mask and the dance continues. I’m already thinking of what I can call them. Vaginal veils, beaver badges, cootchie covers, the list goes on.

Peace out fellow inventors. If you don’t hear from me soon, I’ll be in development. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

What’s The Fascination With Feces?

Yes you read that right. What’s the human fascination with shit? It seems they always come up with weird ideas, but one I read about recently is a prime example of how stupid people can be. Because something cost a fortune it must be exotic.

In the animal kingdom poop is just an everyday thing to deal with but you run across some strange examples. Like hippos and penguins. They toss their shit at possible mates to attract them. Makes me damn glad I’m not a penguin but hey whatever works to hook up a booty call. FYI – Hookers charge extra to let you do this.

It’s what people do with animal poop I find interesting. Since elephant poop is so much fiber, Thailand is using it to make paper. I’d write my alimony checks on it for sure.

During WW2 soldiers made explosives out of bat shit. Hmmm might explain the phrase bat shit crazy. I was shocked to find there is even a Poop Museum in the UK. People can get a close up encounter with 30 different kinds of crap. How entertaining is that?

But here is where I decided people are just plain stupid. Ever googled the most expensive coffee in the world? Well don’t. It’s called Kopi and it’s made from coffee beans that are shit out by a civet. Looks kind of like a small, creepy cat. Who in their right mind would run across some crap covered beans in a forest and say hey, I bet that makes great coffee? Whoever did was genius as it now sells for $100 per pound.

There will always be people with more money than brains. First you invent “coffee colonics” that recharge your system. In plain English it’s shoving an enema of coffee up your ass for about $100 or so. If you’re cheap they even sell home coffee enema kits on Amazon. I find it difficult to believe even those willing to shove coffee up their buttholes are the ones dumb enough to drink coffee you have to pick out of animal feces but then what do I know. It’s just one more reason I wonder why God hasn’t wiped us from the planet again.

Peace out fellow caffeine lovers. I’ll stick to having mine in a cup rather than up my ass and I’ll be skipping the extra bit of animal feces. Signed Slightly

Need advice or want my opinion on something – hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com

PS – for you thinking of trying poop coffee, please note, those animals are kept in small, dirty, little cages and abused for no other reason than to profit off their crap. I would recommend just grabbing some Chock Full of Nuts and enjoy a cup of regular coffee. Hmmm, now I’m wondering who’s nuts that one might be made of.

The Stupidity of Human Beings Boggles My Mind

During a recent family visit, we got on a topic that nearly made me give up on our newest generation of adults. Well, that was until I realized there are even dumber people out there. You know those ones you meet, they open their mouths and your first thought is WTF is wrong with you?

I was reading something on google and it lead to an article about young women soaking tampons in vodka then shoving them up their hoo ha. First my brain tried to fathom what kind of dumbass would do this, then it just gave at the sheer stupidity of it all. Apparently the result is getting drunk with having alcohol on your breath. How damn bad do you wanna get drunk?

Being a life long Jack drinker (for the pleasure of the taste not a need to get drunk) I don’t have a lot of experience with vodka, but then I don’t have a lot of experience with shoving alcohol anywhere but my mouth so I had to know what complete fool would do this. Apparently you can get extremely drunk by soaking a tampon in vodka and shoving it up your twat because of the thinness of the skin in that area. I can’t even begin to think of the pain involved with this whole idea.

I started thinking this is even dumber than doing those nutty coffee colon cleanses. In case you don’t know, it’s an enema using coffee. Supposed to recharge you. I will say I can’t comment as I love coffee but I find drinking it much better tasting than shoving a tube of it up my ass and watching shit filled coffee come back out.

Well you know how my mind works so next thing I know I’m thinking hell how about a color cleanse with bourbon? Seems like that would recharge you but that would take any even bigger idiot that the one that shoved vodka up with crotch and a huge waste of bourbon.

Little did I know this is actually a thing. It’s called “butt chugging” and yes, it involves squirting liquor up your asshole. Why you ask? Well who the hell knows. Who’s the first person that went to pour themselves an after dinner drink and thought heck maybe I’ll squirt this up my poop hole instead? Well it damn sure wasn’t Einstein cause that is some stupid shit, no pun intended.

After going down that rabbit hole and learning more about butt chugging than I ever wanted to know, I decided there are just some damn ignorant people in this world and unfortunately it’s legal for them to breed. If you decide to try any of these ideas please know I do not endorse them mainly because it requires an IQ of 34 or less to even consider it.

Hell, I may have actually figured out why these morons eat Tide pods. Cleans all that shit out of them.

Peace out fellow chuggers. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

VIAGRA VERSUS NIAGARA

I’ve been on sabbatical for a bit and had time to think of new things that have been rambling around in my head. It amazes me the things that seem to just float around in there.

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the fix all drug for men called Viagra. Apparently if you can get a hard on it will cure most things wrong with you. My favorite part is the note that I should call a doctor if my erection lasts four hours or more. My initial thought was hell yeah a 4 hour erection, I’m not calling the doctor. But that started me thinking, are women as excited about a 4 hour erection? Is there a similar drug for women?

Well, turns out there is not, so I may have to research suggesting one to a drug manufacturer. If you have a 4 hour erection wouldn’t you want a wife or girlfriend to be as excited as you are about that? If so, why hasn’t any drug company thought about lubricant for women to enjoy their man’s 4 hour erection?

My solution, Niagara for women. Makes your hooo-ha happy, moist and flowing like the famous Niagara falls. Imagine how happy your man will be when you pop that pill and let him know you’re ready for a 4 hour bang fest.

Why hasn’t this been invented? If this was on the market I can’t believe women wouldn’t be as thrill about that 4 hour hard on as their man is. Mention 4 hours of hot, dripping, lubed up banging and every women I know would be popping that Niagara while stuffing that little blue pill down your throat.

Call your drug manufacturers and ask where is the Niagara is for your woman. You know she’s gonna love it.

Peace out fellow bang fest lovers. Signed Slighty

Have a blog idea or want my opinion on an issue, email me at signedslightly@gmail.com.