Inner Thoughts of a Self Diagnosed Slightly Sociopathic Mind

I’ve been on sabbatical for a bit and had time to think of new things that have been rambling around in my head. It amazes me the things that seem to just float around in there.

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the fix all drug for men called Viagra. Apparently if you can get a hard on it will cure most things wrong with you. My favorite part is the note that I should call a doctor if my erection lasts four hours or more. My initial thought was hell yeah a 4 hour erection, I’m not calling the doctor. But that started me thinking, are women as excited about a 4 hour erection? Is there a similar drug for women?

Well, turns out there is not, so I may have to research suggesting one to a drug manufacturer. If you have a 4 hour erection wouldn’t you want a wife or girlfriend to be as excited as you are about that? If so, why hasn’t any drug company thought about lubricant for women to enjoy their man’s 4 hour erection?

My solution, Niagara for women. Makes your hooo-ha happy, moist and flowing like the famous Niagara falls. Imagine how happy your man will be when you pop that pill and let him know you’re ready for a 4 hour bang fest.

Why hasn’t this been invented? If this was on the market I can’t believe women wouldn’t be as thrill about that 4 hour hard on as their man is. Mention 4 hours of hot, dripping, lubed up banging and every women I know would be popping that Niagara while stuffing that little blue pill down your throat.

Call your drug manufacturers and ask where is the Niagara is for your woman. You know she’s gonna love it.

Peace out fellow bang fest lovers. Signed Slighty

Have a blog idea or want my opinion on an issue, email me at signedslightly@gmail.com.

I was recently reminded of what I consider a very strange policy at college campuses across the US. When I think about, it I almost want to make sure my child never lives on campus.

Here’s how this works. If you are in college and share a dorm room/frat house and your roommate commits suicide, you automatically pass that year. Regardless if you had a 4.0 GPA or currently failing every class, you now pass with flying colors. That’s just screwed up all around.

While I can say from personal experience that dealing with suicide is traumatic, how did it factor in that someone should automatically pass all classes because someone else died? Maybe it’s just my warped mind but isn’t that like rewarding you for someone else’s death?

I am sure not everyone’s mind will go the route mine did, after all you’ve seen the title of my blog, but I have serious issues with this ideal as a whole. Aren’t you tempting people to commit murder? Can you tell me honestly that I’m the only one that somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m thinking hmmmm, rather than tell my parents I crapped out of college if my roommate died and it looked like suicide I’d get a free pass. I kid you not this is murder in the making.

Peace out fellow thinkers. Signed Slightly

Need advice, have something you want to know my thoughts on? Hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com

I started keeping a note pad with me so I can write down random thoughts that pop into my head. Today is only Tuesday and so far I have a few. Ever wonder why such weird things just suddenly pop into your brain? I have and my therapist thinks they aren’t always healthy but what does she know. So I’ll share this weeks random thoughts so far. I can’t say they pertain to anything I’ve seen or heard, they are just there.

Ever look at trees and think one might be growing your own coffin right now?

Watching a movie I wondered about airport security? It’s everywhere, always watching then at baggage claim you can just take whatever bag you want.

I was looking in the mirror yesterday morning and it dawned on me, the only part of your reflection you can lick is your tongue.

Ever realize when you buy a half a chicken at the deli that you’re sharing a chicken with a stranger?

Dawned on me this weekend looking at my fit bit, it’s not much different than the virtual pets of the 80’s except the thing I’m trying to keep alive is me.

Weirdest so far this week was when I was looking at my golf clubs. Ever stop and realize that the object of a golf game is to play the least amount of golf possible?

Peace out fellow thinkers. Signed Slightly.

My posts aren’t always funny or informative. Most times they are just thoughts that enter and then ramble around in my head. Sometimes for days. This time it happens to be weird road signs. Ever wonder if some of them were meant for someone other than the actual drivers passing them?

Like this one “wildlife crossing next 2 miles? Do they really know where the deer or moose cross the road and are warning me? I find it difficult to believe they know exactly where they cross, so I have to assume they are advising the wildlife to use the next 2 miles to cross. I hope they can read.

How about “watch for falling rocks”. Am I supposed to stop and watch for falling rocks kind of like a roadside attraction? Otherwise what’s the game plan? Most of these signs are on 70+ MPH highways so if I see a rock and it’s falling on or in front of me, I don’t have a lot of options. Maybe they just want me to be aware I might be killed driving on that road.

“Bus Stop Ahead.” This one always gets me. If you factor in a bus likely stops there twice a day, 1 to 2 minutes each time and there are 60 minutes in a hour, 24 hours in a day with cars going by, does it seem likely more than 1% of cars passing that sign encounter a bus? I assume this is a warning for the bus driver to plan to stop ahead so they don’t forget a stop.

The most informative one I’ve seen to date was going thru Kentucky. “Caution, Run Away Trucks”. Now no matter how you read that, you damn sure better make sure you’re aware of something like that. No kidding – I drive thru there looking for them the whole time.

The funniest I’ve seen to date is “Jail Ahead, Do Not Pickup Hitchhikers”. While that sign cracks me up every time, it makes me wonder, who picks up a guy wearing jail scrubs or uniforms anyway? Why would you have to even warn people of that? But damn if your car breaks down there I guess you gonna be walking.

The most alarming one to date was in South Carolina. Signs along the interstate say “Speeding – Fine and Prison”. Not local jail mind you, prison!! Who the hell goes to prison for speeding? Can you imagine when Bubba slides up next to you and says what you in for? You’re definitely getting your ass kicked.

As to date the winner of the weirdest I’ve ever seen. Visited Belize once and I still don’t know if it was a joke or not, but on a back road, I ran across a sign that said “Tanks Crossing – Sudden Gunfire”. That I paid attention to but fortunately didn’t run into any tanks.

I am sure there are a lot more out there I haven’t seen so let me know if you have any really good ones or even ones that just make you ask WTH?

Peace out fellow travelers. Signed Slightly

Feel free to send me ideas, questions, whatever makes you think to signedslightly@gmail.com

After a week of encountering way too many people with little to no manners, I thought I might do some digging on some forgotten manners. When I was a kid, manners were very important. Especially if you didn’t want your ass beat. Not only has that changed but I think most have frankly, been forgotten. Do parents even teach kids manners anymore? Do they insist they act like human beings or have they just taken to raising spoiled little brats because it’s simply easier than making them behave? Hell I heard last week about 11 year olds on probation. What the hell do you do at 11 to be on probation and did your parents kick your ass for it? If my kid was on probation at 11 he’d never leave the house again till he hit 18 and ready for a tour in the Army.

But I digress. My post was about manners. Although, if we still taught them maybe we’d have a lot less jackasses on probation. I tried to list some manners I rarely see used anymore.

Shake hands. Why don’t 20 somethings know to shake hands when introduced? And they really forget the old adage of never offer your hand to a woman. You shake if she offers her hand first. I guess I don’t miss this one much with Covid though.

Remember when people would step outside if they had to take a phone call? Now they not only just blab away but most love that speaker phone so we now get to listen to both sides of usually stupid conversations. If that wasn’t bad enough, what happened to no phones during dinner? Does anyone even eat dinner together any more?

How about those really simple ones like saying excuse me. How about knocking before you enter a room (if you ever walked in on your parents having sex, you will do that one the rest of your life). Take your shopping carts back to the front of the store, use a turn signal or how about that old one, please and thank you. I can’t remember the last time someone said you’re welcome. Even drive thrus are have a nice day, no please, no thank you.

One of my personal pet peeves is being late. It is the prime example of bad manners. If you are supposed to meet me at a certain time, be on time. My grandfather always told us being late suggests that your time is more valuable than the person you left standing there waiting on you. Well guess what, it isn’t.

The one thing Slightly can not stand, period. Smart mouth little kids. Nothing crawls up my backbone sideways more than hearing a little kid smart off to parents and they just stand there. That damn you tube video everyone thinks is uber funny where the little kid keeps saying to his mom “look Linda, listen Linda” makes me wanna beat that kids ass. I heard a neighbor kid this week tell his mom shut up I’ll come in when I’m ready. Thank goodness for him I am not his parent cause it’d be damn hard to walk back inside with two broken legs. I heard another yell at his mom to shut the hell up. Slightly’s kids are 40 and they would tell you even now, that would get you ass beat so bad you’ll need a parents note to stand during class for a week. They were raised to say yes ma’me, no sir, please thank you and never even considered smart mouthing off to an adult.

One reader told me she taught her kids that yes you will answer to God for bad behavior, however God will get you later but I’ll beat your ass now. Maybe more parents need to teach that message. This crap about we don’t spank our kids is total bullshit. You’re kids figured it out by the time they were 2. Manners say a lot about how we raise our kids but then again, they were too smart to eat tide pods when I was a kid.

Peace out fellow parents. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

I can’t be the only one that has insane things that I swear, my phone sends all by itself. You know what I’m talking about – the dreaded auto correct. I sent a text last night that said I was going to try to meditate before I go to bed and see if I sleep better. However my phone sent a text which read, I’m going to masturbate before I go to bed. Needless to say I got a text back from my child saying “why the hell would I want to know that?”. In an effort to correct it, I tried again saying no I said meditate. Of course my phone again decided on it’s own to change it to, no I said I was going to try menstruating. I am not sure but that was likely even more weird than I was going to masturbate. This got me to thinking so I reached out to some people and asked about weird messages and could I have some of their best examples. Not only did I get some hilarious ones, but I found out apparently everyone hates auto correct.

By the way. After talking to a friend that works for Google, I found it’s not actually auto correct. It’s called a predictive dialer system. It hears a word that it’s unsure of so it picks a more common word that sounds similar. Based on some of the replies I got from friends, I gotta wonder, who the hell programmed this predictive dialers vocabulary?

Here are some of best I heard:

A friend texted her brother about their dad’s birthday and suggested something for cooking which was apparently his newest hobby. However her text replaced cooking and she suggested her brother purchase their dad a cock ring. So how the hell is cock ring more common than cooking? Does anyone really use that in everyday conversations?

A friend texted his wife and didn’t realize he dialed wrong. He sent “text me when you get home and get the baby settled”. Imagine his surprise when the response was “I thought you had the baby”. Thankfully he didn’t have a stroke.

Another friend texted a Craigslist add and said “I saw you are selling your penis, can I take it for a test drive”. She never noticed the spelling till they responded “well I’m selling my prius but if you wanna ride me, I’m game”.

Another friend texted his friend and said “we need to do something about your ball sack it really stinks”. What he meant to type was basement but I’m not sure his friend ever believed him.

Then there is always that misspelled name that will leave you dumped or divorced. A co-worker messaged his girlfriend hey Baby but his phone changed it to Hey Abbey. Needless to say his girlfriends name isn’t Abbey. Wonder how he got past that one?

Got some good ones? Email me at signedslightly@gmail.com

Peace out fellow bad typers. Signed Slightly

PS – Found this on google rather than a friend but it was too funny not to include.

Yesterday as I drove home, I encountered a neighbor when I turned on my street. He had stopped his car in the middle of the road and was standing looking at something he’d apparently hit. When I got out of my car, I found he’d run over or hit a crow. He didn’t want to just leave it laying there because it wasn’t dead.

As he debated what to do he comments, I wish I carried a gun. Before I had time to wonder why he looks at me and says you carry, do you have a gun with you? Having no idea where the conversation was going I had to ask, so I said yes, why?

I would have loved to see the look on my own face when he said, and I quote, “ok shoot it and put it out of it’s misery”. I had to pause for at least a full 30 seconds wondering if this was a joke before I asked, “you seriously want me to shoot a crow with a 45 caliber handgun”? Scary thing was, he actually did. I had to walk him thru the question of which one of us would die when that bullet went thru a 5 ounce bird and ricocheted off the concrete and hit one of us. He still didn’t get it and I realized I was fighting a losing battle of the wits.

In the long run, it did make me realize that the application for a carry permit omits a very important question. One that in fact, should be the first question on the list – Are You An Idiot? If yes, skip to last paragraph. That paragraph should read – sorry but we have determined that you’re seriously to dumb to own a gun.

Peace out fellow Americans. Stay locked and loaded. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

I had an incident recently that prompted me to ask fellow readers about dumb things they’ve said to police or in court, and even dumb things police have asked them. The story I got from one reader was interesting enough that I have to share, but first mine. And I preface this with I have the upmost respect for our law enforcement officers and the job they do daily. They are certainly under paid and highly under appreciated.

Driving home yesterday I suddenly see those all to familiar blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I will say Slightly is not a passive driver so I am somewhat used to those lights showing up. By the way, is it just me or for just a split second, does your brain say, run, don’t stop?

I pulled over and the officer approached my window. Being in this situation in the past, I already have my drivers license, registration and gun permit in my hand ready for that age old question, can I see your . . . . However, before he asked for my license, he asked the question almost every officer will ask and I find insanely funny – do you know how fast you were going? How exactly do they expect you to answer this? In the past my answer has always been “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” but I opened my mouth, not really intending to be funny and said “is this where I’m supposed to say no, not really”? I figured he’s heard it all and will just write my ticket but to my surprise, he actually laughed. So I followed it up with – “well I’m pretty sure I was doing the speed limit”. I expected that usual glaring look but again he laughed and came back even better with, “well you might have been doing the speed limit, but it wasn’t the speed limit on this road”.

I have to say I was so impressed with his sense of humor that at this point I didn’t even mind getting a ticket so was really relieved when he said how about you use the limit on this road and slow down, checked my license and drove away. I sat there a minute or two still laughing. By the way, in the future if you’re asked do you know why I pulled you over they don’t appreciate the response “not really, too much free time?” I have used that in the past and it doesn’t usually get a positive response.

One blog follower responded to me about a court hearing that went completely wrong because it seems like Slightly, they have a hard time not making some smart ass comment. They wrote in saying they were cited for “racing a train” and because I’ve never heard of this I had to get the details. Turns out they raced to cross the tracks but the crossing bar came down before they got thru the intersection and hit their car. A passing officer cited them for racing a train and they decided to take the case to court as they felt it was an unfair citation. The details of the conversation with the judge almost made me pee my pants. At some point the judge asked “do you realize freight trains have emergency brakes, that when the bar hits an object it could have set off those brakes, derailed the train and killed hundreds of people”. Without a single forethought they responded, “really, freight trains have hundreds of people cause I seriously think it’s more like 2 or 3”. I laughed so hard I spit out my drink but felt bad when I read it cost them $500 in contempt of court fines. The moral of that story is, if you suggest a judge is dumb, he’ll make you pay for that thought.

Peace out fellow drivers and watch for those flashing lights. Feel free to email if you have any funny stories or need Slighty’s input on solving a problem.

Signed Slightly. signedslightly@gmail.com

I have tried to stay away from current social topics as we all have our opinions but sometimes it’s hard. However, with everything going on, it did give me an excellent idea on a new, almost fool proof form of birth control.

Between being around my daughter and her 20/30 year old friends, and what I read on our local community social media, I have heard nothing for the last few months except bitching and whining about schools being closed, day cares being closed, etc. The never ending bitching about what do they do with their kids. How do they go to work if the kids aren’t in school or the day care is closed?

It goes even further with the whining about kids lunches. With school closed how do I get my kids lunch? Well I have the answer, but I preface it with I am a supporter of free lunches. Many kids today would go hungry without them and it’s not their fault. It’s parents that had kids they can’t even afford to feed let alone everything else they will need growing up.

There really is no way of appeasing this generation of parents. With school restarting amid Covid 19, they have the option of virtual school or actual classrooms but no, the same parents are now bitching it’s not safe to go back. Many are opting for virtual school and contacting schools on how to sign up for the free laptops and free internet many service providers are offering. But still they aren’t happy.

This week I have read post after post on social media of these same worthless shits whining about having to stand in line to get a free laptop (free meaning as a taxpayer I paid for it). Likely the same ones that were complaining that while the school is still providing free bagged lunches over the summer when they were closed that they had to wait in a drive thru line for those teachers standing out in the heat to hand them the bags.

When did the US become a place where it’s expected someone else should take care of your kids? Some where that you bitch and moan that the free laptops and free food isn’t placed in your hands fast enough? The country where you’re working from home or sitting home afraid of contracting Covid while you’re pissed the daycare closed to keep their employees safe?

You’re likely asking how does this pertain to birth control? Well the answer is simple. Want a fool proof birth control? Make a law.

If you lay down, spread your legs and pop out kids, you feed them, you get them to/ from school or you educate them. You take responsibility for them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year for 18 years. You be accountable for raising functioning, well adjusted, responsible adults. If you have kids and fail to do this the taxpayer then takes on that burden. When that happens you move to a work camp, work 8-10 hours a day and every penny you earn repays the taxpayers. Sound harsh, tough shit. You had kids, not the government. Hell if you made this a law, half of the people on welfare would figure out a way to feed their kids rather than go to a work camp.

I have heard from mothers that walk miles each month to pay utility bills as they can’t afford to feed kids and own a car. Ones that work 2 or more jobs. You do what needs to be done, they are your kids.

Peace out fellow pissed off taxpayers. If there are any other social issues I can solve for you, feel free to hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com.

Signed Slightly

Someone asked me recently “do you ever feel bad when your job means giving people bad news”?

I couldn’t help respond with, “Not really. If I can make at least two people feel bad about their life every day, it’s been a good day.” Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but but who cares.

Well, in all honesty I meant it as a joke which made me realize that while I might not revel in making people feel bad, I do love saying things that stun, shock or simply amaze people. It’s that look on faces, that immediate shock. of WTF or did he just say that? Yes, if you have to question what you heard, I likely said it.

I’ve been accused several times of having no verbal filter. If I think it, it simply comes out my mouth. It just doesn’t stay in my brain long enough to decide if it’s the best thing to say or not. Is this a bad thing? For most normal people, maybe, but for Slightly, not at all. Either you’ll be horribly offended or you’ll laugh your ass off. I don’t really care which. Does this make me an asshole, yeah more than likely. Peace out fellow offenders or offendees.

And don’t forget your masks. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com