Inner Thoughts of a Self Diagnosed Slightly Sociopathic Mind

It’s rare Slightly gets email but I’ve actually had another reader ask a question so here goes.

My first thought was why do people ask questions they know will force me to insult them? They wanted to know, with the death of George Floyd and Covid 19, wouldn’t I consider 2020 to be one of the worse years in history?

Yes I guess so if you’re 10 years old, dumb or never owned a TV or read a history book.

How about the civil war where brother fought brother? Families fighting each other over issues no one was really sure what they were. Have you not heard of the bubonic plague or the Spanish Flu where so many were dead they just tossed them in the streets as they died and people came along and burned the bodies, if they didn’t rot first

Maybe you’ve heard of this thing called Pearl Harbor where our country was unexpectedly bombed by Japan? Or Hitler, ever heard of him? You know the nut that planned to take over the world, kill everyone Jewish or non German person and build a super race? Ask a holocaust survivor if Covid 19 is something they fear or one of the worse things they’ve heard of.

If you have lived past the age of 10 or 12 years old, and you haven’t learned or read enough to realize that 2020 will never have a chance of being the worse year in our history, you need to get our more, or see my prior blog on stupid people.

The world has had diseases, swine flu, and tons of other viruses throughout history that pale in comparison to Covid 19. If you think Covid 19 and George Floyd is the worse thing to ever happen visit your local Jewish family and ask for some history. Grab a book and read how many died in the civil war. Ask your grandmother about the great depression and the crash of the stock market. They’ll likely tell you a flu virus is child’s play, or call you an idiot.

Peace out fellow readers. Feel free to email Slightly but in all honestly, if you’ve read my blog you should know dumb questions will likely result in answers insinuating your dumb. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

I recently saw a commercial (I am assuming based on all the BLM crap currently in the news) where the entire ad was saying ” nothing will change until we accept the intolerance inside ourselves”.

What a load of crap. Maybe some people really deal with intolerance but that doesn’t mean everyone does. It’s kinda like that white privilege bullshit which is really more like white guilt but that subject is for another day. People need to stop assuming because they have shitty thoughts or racist ideas that we all do.

But that aside, it made me stop and ask myself if I really might have an intolerance inside me. Surprisingly, the answer was yes. I am abundantly intolerant of stupid people. They have no excuse for being stupid other than they just choose to not educate themselves regarding current events, social customs, and plain simple English to name but a few.

Do I honestly have to check myself and choose to become more tolerant? Hmmm NO. If you choose to say stupid things, do stupid things or behave in a stupid manner, please know, Slightly will not be tolerant of you and will more than likely call you out for being stupid.

Now that needed to be said. So look inside yourself and decide are you intolerant? If so and it’s warranted, OWN IT.

Peace out fellow non-conformist. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

Because of some undue stress, I had cause to visit my therapist last week. Yes Slightly has a therapist, have you not read the name of my blog? That together with the need to refer to myself in the third person is reason enough, but from time to time another issue will crop up. While I’m sure she has excellent advice, Slightly cannot be put in a box regarding behavior.

Before leaving we talked a bit about the weird, sometimes alarming thoughts that wander around in my brain. Trust me if you knew them all, you’d avoid my blog, lol.

She assures me this is normal. In fact this was her exact response,

“Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that enter your consciousness, often without warning or prompting, with content that is alarming, disturbing, or just flat-out weird and are not abnormal”.

However, I often wonder am I the only one that has this happen?

Ever been showering and have the sudden thought you’ll open the curtain and be stabbed to death – and the only person in the house is your spouse?

Ever drive behind a truck carrying logs and picture the logs hitting your car and removing your head only to wonder if your car would hit someone or just coast off the road?

Ever been talking to someone while they are driving and they say let me go, going to get some gas and thinking wow, if they disappear I’ll have to tell police last thing they did was get gas.

Ever walk down stairs or stand at a train station with complete strangers and thought if I pushed them at the last minute, would they know it was me before they died?

Ever walked with someone and wondered, if I kill them out here and keep walking would I get away with it?

Ever had someone say let’s do this or that and thought they want me to go so they can kill me there?

Ever actually picture yourself holding a pillow over someone’s face while you calculated how long you’d have to hold it there?

I must say I asked her these and a few other questions. I will admit she seemed a bit . . . . . not sure if it was concerned or alarmed. But I wrote down her response so I could remember it for later and share it here. That itself might be a bit alarming. Her response –

if you find yourself dealing with unwanted, violent, disturbing, or bizarre thoughts on a regular basis, you may be dealing with a serious mental health issue.

I am not convinced I’m dealing with a serious mental illness but the pillow over the face thought came while she was telling me this if that matters.

Peace out fellow questioners. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

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Ok, I try to stay out of the mainstream media and away from certain subjects but sometimes you can’t help but point out just how stupid some people are. Don’t get me wrong, Slightly is not opposed to tattoo’s but think it through before you decide on one.

Tattoo’s can be cute, interesting, tell a life story or just plain stupid. Some people need to stop and ask themselves, will this affect my job prospects in the future? Do I want to ever meet a good husband or wife? Will people think I’m an idiot?

If you want crazy tattoo’s, put them someplace that you can cover up if a good job requires it. Put them someplace that the first impression you make isn’t that you’re stupid. If nothing else, consider that one day you might have kids and they’ll have to be seen by you.

Here are some I ran across that are just plain stupid and make me ask, what the hell were you thinking? And FYI – those tats hurt a hell of a lot more being removed than having them done.

Peace out fellow skin artist. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

This is one the artist should be beaten as well. Not only do you have a screaming baby on your face, but it’s shitty tat work (or just an ugly kid). Can’t see him ever working with the public.

I hope this idiot has a wife before this tattoo, cause the chances now are slim to none and he might consider a job in welding or something he can wear a helmet all day. Kinda wonder if he just wanted to match the wall behind him.

I gotta give this lady credit as Slightly is a meat lover as well but come on. I hope her future plans include marriage to a heart doctor. That’s a lot of meat. You can tell she’s a women though, she was smart enough to put it where she can cover it and doesn’t affect her chances of decent employment or embarrassing her kids.

And, if nothing else when getting a tottoo, factor in one day you will be old and those tats are not going to age as well as you think. This guy looks like he spent his life behind bars. Oh yeah, factor in gaining and losing weight as well when going for those sexy tats. I know one day in the past he looked in a mirror and thought “damn I look hot”.

Someone emailed me and asked if they could get my opinion or as they put it “my deep personal thoughts” on a few issues. Said it helps to know someone better. Well, being Slightly, I of course said sure, email them to me. I read these thinking, damn they have too much free time or are really nosy. But why not. Here you go.

Are you living a meaningful life? Hmmm to who? I mean to have as much insanity in my life as I can until they bury me or commit me, whichever comes first.

What is one thing in life you can’t live without? Probably bourbon. Ok it’s actually God, my family and bourbon, in that order.

Is it better to be honest or thoughtful? That’s a dumb question. If your wife says does my ass look fat in these jeans do you think you really should say yes. If so immediately call your divorce lawyer. If your husband says do I have a small dick he is not looking to hear, well yes dear. If you think yes, he’ll likely have a girlfriend soon.

If you could ask one person anything and get an honest answer what would it be? That’s easy. I’d have to ask Monica Lewinsky if she really blew that creep Bill Clinton.

What’s something that overwhelms you? People. In general they suck and ask stupid questions.

What instantly makes you smile? My sister.

What’s your funeral look like? Oh I have had this planned for years. I prefer a cremation but I’d like a friend to attend during the cremation, not say a word and just wait while wearing a grim reaper outfit and drinking bourbon.

What do you want your last words to be? It’s a toss up. Limited Mental Capacity or Signed Slightly.

So thoughtful reader, I hope I have answered your questions. I tried to be as honest as possible and I hope you feel you know me better.

Peace out fellow questioners. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

So today a co-worker told me about Jesus Soap. Yes, you heard me right, Jesus Soap. You are probably asking, are they serious. I wondered the same and we all know I had to Goggle it. I don’t trust a source unless Google can confirm it. Well, there is was. Jesus soap.

I have to wonder who came up with this idea and for what purpose? My initial thought was ok a gimmick. People are once again using Jesus to sell crap. While I guess it’s somewhat funny, doesn’t it seem a bit sacrilegous to put Jesus on soap? Then I wondered do you actually think people would buy it believing it might wash away sins? While that sounds crazy, let’s be honest, there are some nuts in this world.

If you have cussing problem can mom wash you mouth out with Jesus soap?

Will I receive forgiveness or absolution if I bathe in Jesus Soap?

Is it just for sinners or can anyone use it to feel closer to heaven?

What does Jesus soap smell like?

Does the lather look like clouds so you feel closer to heaven?

I will admit, after googling an ad or two this one was pretty funny. I especially love the disclaimer.

Having dirty thoughts lately? Do you ever think to yourself: “Oops, shouldn’t have done that!” maybe you colored your hair pink. Whatever the sin, the Holy Almighty Jesus is here to wash your worries away. Simply lather yourself up with your Jesus Soap, then wash away. Watch as the soapy residue slides down your sinful body, bringing you closer to heaven.

Disclaimer:
Please note that this is a novelty item. It does a fantastic job at washing; but there is no guarantee your sins will be forgiven. If you want redemption, please join a church.

I have a lot more thoughts on it but I think my opinion is this borders a lot more on distasteful than it does funny but I can see it selling. I hope more for a gag gift but I’d wonder how many people buying it hoping.

Peace out fellow sinners. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

In case no one is aware, Slightly is highly in favor of conceal carry. I think every American should own a gun, know how to use it, carry it and be prepared to defend yourself and your family. It’s law enforcement’s job to investigate crimes, try to solve crimes, etc. If you think they can protect you, you are wrong. They can legally do nothing until a crime is committed and they cannot be everywhere at once. The chance of a police officer being present when you’re attacked, shot, etc. is likely about a billion to one. It’s your responsibility to defend and protect yourself.

Now that I said that, my point was holsters. I’m in the market for a new handgun which means I will also need a new holster. So many new and exciting ones come out each year that I like seeing what’s available rather than just go back to the old standard.

In my search for Glock holsters, I ran across what’s called a women’s bra holster. Well I assumed women as men rarely wear bra’s. Anyway, I had to ask myself what dumb ass came up with this idea? Take a loaded weapon with a chambered round and attach it to a bra. In order to release it you basically have to point it directly at your head. What moron would do this? Am I missing some stroke of brillance that makes someone even consider this?

Still in shock that anyone would buy, this I decided to do a little research. Could this be safe? It’s apparently called a Flashbang holster and I’m not crazy to think it’s stupid as I found 2 women that have died or been injured using them. One woman shot herself in the eye adjusting her bra and one shot herself in the head and died while taking her gun out.

It boggles my mind that someone was dumb enough to invent this but even more so the ones that would buy one. Needless to say, no one in Slightly’s family will be using one. So stay safe and please choose wisely so I don’t have to read later you were a dumb ass.

Peace out fellow gun lovers. Signed Slightly.

signedslightly@gmail.com

I had a reader send in an idea and then invited her to write a post for my blog so you got the story first hand. Here’s her story.

Vibrators, Many Own But Few Talk About

Had to share this story with Slightly because I knew he enjoyed a laugh. It was initially only half funny but the second half of the story is what makes it so bizarre.

If you haven’t heard of the website Wish, it’s kind of like Amazon but everything is pretty cheap and shipped from China. Several months ago my daughter told me about it and I ordered some cute sandals. When they arrived I stood talking to my daughter in the yard while opening the package. Imagine my surprise and somewhat embarrassment when I pulled them out there was a huge pink vibrator called a jack rabbit. If you think I was surprised, you should have seen my daughters eyes. She immediately yelled why did you open that in the yard. Won’t do that again. I contacted the company and was assured they would send the shoes right away. The funniest part was when I asked how to return the vibrator, I was instructed in a rather lengthy email that I should keep it “for my own personal pleasure and use” as an apology for the inconvenience. I tried to gift it but apparently it’s just not something you give your child but we all got a good laugh about it.

The box ended up on a closet shelf forgotten about till last month when my niece came to help me organize and clean. That’s when it got even funnier, or more bizarre depending on your point of view.

I talked my niece into taking it home and she didn’t mention it again till last weekend when she came to visit. She began laughing and said “Jim and I were laughing and can’t believe you gave us a used vibrator”. You can’t begin to imagine my embarrassment. Even though it wasn’t true I almost peed my pants laughing. Apparently when they opened it they found that it took three batteries and someone had already installed one. Once they added two more batteries it didn’t work so they figured it was worn out. Her boyfriend had a huge laugh that I’d gift them a worn out vibrator. He’ll fit right in this family.

I know some may not think this is funny, but if you knew our family, it was insanely funny. The only comment I had was “so some crackhead with a worn out whoo ha is running around China with my sandals”. We could not stop laughing.

There are 2 morals to this story. One, don’t open packages from other countries in your front yard and two, check things before you give them away. So Slightly, I hope my story was worthy of you blog or if nothing else, it gave your readers a good laugh.

Hope it’s ok to use your usual send off so – peace out fellow Slightly lovers.

Signed Shoe Queen

I live in a small town that while not a busy city, isn’t completely a rural area. That being said, you always expect to see things you wouldn’t see in big cities like NY or LA. Small towns while they have charm, can leave people thinking some things aren’t that important.

Seems the last few years larger cities have trends like wearing your pajamas to the grocery store. Not sure how that came about or when it became normal. When we were little, if our mom had an emergency run before bed such as milk for breakfast, she might have drug us along in pj’s, but rest assured my mother would never consider wearing her’s outside the house. When I was a kid I recall my grandmother moved from Maryland to the south and she came home appalled after her first trip to the grocery store because the ladies there weren’t wearing nylons.

Don’t get me wrong, our small town does have a Walmart and there will always be those “people of walmart” that wear any and everything to the store but it isn’t that common here. However you do still see things in smaller towns that are a bit odd. Today I was treated to one of those things that make you say, only in this county or this area.

Leaving my home I pass a tractor/hardware store and it’s not uncommon to sometimes see an early shopper or two hanging around the front waiting for them to open. Yes, it one of those local hardware shops that are fast becoming a thing of the past. Just one guy that has owned it forever and they “usually” open at 8am.

Today as I drove by, I happened to notice a woman standing by the front door waiting for him to open. I initially noticed her as she was wearing camo overalls and it’s not hunting season. While most of you just thought oh that’s not that odd, you should know that was all she was wearing. Overalls and her hair pulled back in a pony tail. Apparently someone forgot to tell her you normally wear a shirt with overalls, or at least a bra, maybe even a sports bra. But not, just overalls.

I know you likely think he’s seeing things but rest assured readers, to ensure I give you accurate info, I circled the block. There she was, leaning on the handrail with overalls and boobs spilling out everywhere, and these weren’t the kind of boobs you wanna see.

What really made me think about rural, small town life was the hardware shop owner. As I waited for the light, he arrived, greeted the lady and opened up like her showing up boobs a flapping was a daily thing around there. Needless to say I will be watching to see if it is.

In closing, ladies one you reach a certain age your boobs are likely only interesting to your man. But to be honest, men will look at any boobs. It’s hardwired in. But the hardware store is no place to be displaying your goodies.

Peace out fellow boob lovers and ladies, what the hell, let them flap.

Signed Slightly – hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com

I have seen so many vanity plates lately that I couldn’t resist blogging my favorites and some I wonder – WTH were you thinking.

Here are some I love.

Plumbing van with a license plate – TURDS

A convertible mustang with Gift4BJ – Hope he’s expecting an amazing BJ for a new car. Most run $50 or less. Or so I heard from a friend.

Saw one with a car upside down on the highway and a vanity plate read – Clumsy

Ferrari with a vanity plate reading – Zro Kids. I think that one was obvious.

Saw one that read “Old Ped O” When did pedophiles start advertising?

One of my favorites was an Ohio plate that read “Yur Next”. Great to know if yo’re waiting in line.

Then you have those I wonder, did they think them thru? Vanity plates cost to have the initial plate made and a higher annual renewal fee so I always wonder about the ones that apply to the car itself or make no sense.

A friend had one for years on his corvette that said “Rev On”. After his divorce that same tag ended up on a 12+ year old Nova. It was just sad.

Saw a new VW bug that read “Eww a Bug” and a Smart car that read “Oh I Fit”. Cute but when you get a new car you have to pay for a whole new vanity plate.

You have to feel bad for men that use plates like “Luv Anal”. You know good and well if you have to advertise like that, it’s likely something he likes but never gets.

I think the 2 saddest I’ve seen on a car were what could be called poor advertising. Where is your self esteem when your tag reads – Fat N Ugly and Avg Pnis? I have to wonder why you’d put that on your car unless you just need a bit of sympathy.

While Slightly does have a vanity plate, just know it not only makes sense but advertises exactly who I feel I am. In case you’re wondering, no I can’t share it here. Can’t have readers randomly approaching Slightly at the mall. Or worse yet, my house.

Peace out fellow drivers. Signed Slightly

Oh if you’ve seen some interesting plates, good or bad, hit me up at signedslightly@gmail.com